Flying to Rhode Island

12 09 2011
plenty of leg room
extra leg room Sir?

US Airways average passenger is 3 foot 2 and has no legs; at least thats how they are envisaged by the aircraft designers who planned the seating on their planes. The 7 and a half hour flight from Manchester to Philadelphia didn’t start well as being 6 foot and actually having legs, I was going against US airways laws of human nature. I couldn’t actually put my legs on the floor straight and instead had to sit bow legged like I was straddling the seat in front like a static mechanical horse. Another sore point was the fact that my headphone connector was faulty and therefore to watch the film on the little TV screen in the ack of the seat, I had to connect the sound up to an alternate seat and the video to my seat meaning it was always very slightly out of sync and therefore unwatchable.

Not going well then.
The lady sat a few seats away started a conversation about visiting the US and I told her it was my first time and she then proceeded to tell me everything there was to know about Philadelphia even after I protested a few times that my destination was actually Rhode Island. She showed me pictures of her son who was selling his company to someone else and then working for them (few lies to Mummy there Junior?); she even got the pictures out. When the conversation turned to jet lag and how to avoid it, her advice was to stay awake as long as possible and she would slap me if it looked like I was going to fall asleep. To further provide evidence of this she gave me a quick slap across the face but unfortunately as she was wearing rings on each finger (slag hands), this actually hurt quite a bit and left a red mark. You escaped this time Missus, but next time I’ll give you a right hook.
Philadelphia Airport is less well organised than an idiot convention. Although the date probably poses a lot more security, no-one seemed to know what they were doing or where you should go. Should I retrieve luggage and check it back through, do I need to go through immigration etc. Eventually I managed to navigate my way onto the connecting flight with seconds to spare.
The second flight was marginally better, due to the fact it was only an hour and a half. I managed to avoid pouring scoldinig tea on the woman in front when she reclined the seat fully but this was due to my tiredness, not patience. I actually sniggered when she broke a nail getting her backs down from the overhead compartment.


10 09 2011

After being invited to join a conference for a week in the US, I decided to book the flight the day before to give me plenty of time, what with jet lag and what not. The travel company had no issues booking me on the flight as it seems there is a lot of availability on the 10th anniversary of 9/11. Didn’t really think that one through.

As this is my first time in the US, I decided to check out some things to do whilst I’m over there. I asked about and it seems only one person I know has any knowledge of Rhode Island and their constructive criticism is “It’s the smallest state you know, it’s a bit shit”. So on that wonderful Judith Chalmers esque travel advice, I decided to have a look to learn a bit about Rhode Island.

The main thing to do it seems is to ice skate. No matter how many web pages I traversed, they all seemed to come back to a large ice rink in the centre of Rhode Island. The only other things I could seem to find was a shopping centre and a river.

I had a look on Wikipedia and marked high on the list of attractions for Proividence is the “East Bay Bike Path”. This is a 23Km path which is tarmaced for cyclists and it is marked as a visitor attraction for tourists to Providence.

I’m travelling a few thousand miles to go ice skating and look at a cycle path. I can barely contain my excitement.

Two Otters – a love story

26 05 2011

This is a story set in the countryside of Fife,
About two little otters, both man and wife.

Harry was the male who had been paired,
Despite the fact he was speech impaired.
He spoke with a lisp, he couldn’t say R’s,
But this didn’t stop him, he reached for the stars.

His wife’s name was Rudy, she was a bit of a wimp,
She’d been born with 3 legs so walked with a limp.
But despite their deformities, hand in glove,
The couple were very much deep in love.

They feasted on dormice, loaded their bellies,
Never agreed on TV so had separate tellies.
They frolicked and played, ran and laughed,
And occasionally feeling racy, together they bathed.

Then one afternoon, whilst baking soufflé,
From out of nowhere came a bird of prey.
It swooped down low, with a menacing glance,
With only 3 legs, Rudy stood no chance.

The hawk carried her off, up to its nest,
He’d soon be tucking into a nice otter breast.
Harry was furious, he’d taken a whack,
“That fucking hawk, I’ll break its back!”

So off he scuttled to the tree with the nest,
And started to climb, he was trying his best.
Higher and higher, it’s not good for your health,
As Harry thought he would shit himself.

He got to the nest and he started to rant,
Pwease weturn my Wudy you c.c.c..CANT!
The hawk was aghast, not believing his luck,
As Harry ranted he was a sitting duck.

There’s no preparation in making Otter soup,
The hawk gobbled up harry in one easy swoop.
Then belly swelling and feeling a bit sore,
The hawk threw poor Rudy down to the floor.

As Rudy got up, she was completely outspoken,
As another of her legs had been cruelly broken,
She dragged herself of as best she could,
Leaving a horrible smear of her blood.

So the moral of this story, let me tell you,
Is that 3 legs is definitely better than two.
And if someone tries to kidnap your wife,
Just fuck’n let them and get on with your life !

By Mr. Bruce